Wednesday Walk: WEAK 3

No that's not a typo in the title because today's theme is: WEAKNESS (and obedience and intimacy so be prepared).

I'm definitely not feeling like a Proverbs 31 gal today, or yesterday or the day before. The flesh is weak and alas the attitude to life, my husband, the dishes etc is following suit.

I've been really struggling with the black dog of depression this week and with that struggle comes the struggle to keep my mood even and not erratic to the point of crazy. My poor hubs has been dealing with crazy lady wife who's one minute childish, the next minute nagging, the next minute hyper - ahhhhhhhh! Please pity and pray for that sweet loving man - he puts up with a lot.

My aim these last couple of days has been to not aim for super-woman, rather to aim for sane, normal, regular, even. It's a constant battle and I'm losing as much as I'm winning.

I did have a moment of success though because for once I didn't just go woe-is-me and settle into the slump and stay there. God gave me the realisation I needed that it wasn't that He was far from me, it wasn't that my husband was far from me BUT that I was pulling back, I was receding into myself.

So I've redoubled my Bible reading efforts, turned off the TV, lessened my time online and on the PC and I've gained some ground.

I'm really going to be immersing myself in the Word (like I should have been from January and in truth, like I always should be) . . .

I'm not going to be zoning out in front of this screen or that (no more than an hour at a time and regular and often days off) and . . .

I'm going to get more rest/sleep because in these short, (shorter and shorter each time PTL), depressive seasons my body and mind need more rest . . .

I'm also going to leave myself more open to my husband, submitting to him, heart and body because whilst only a very little part of me wants intimacy right now, it's exactly what the doctor (the great physician God that is) ordered.

Intimacy is the greatest gift between a husband and wife and whilst it is often spoken of that men need it, so do we.

I felt so far from DH the other day and could not have been less bothered about intimacy but submitting my body to him and to his needs, (setting aside my own desire to just hide away - physically and emotionally), gave him what he needed and also had a healing effect on me as I felt that closeness return. The physical connection brought the emotional one out of hiding. This is of course not always true - but ladies if you're feeling far from your husbands, give it a try, surprise him and you might surprise yourself!

On a side note, one of the things that has me down is the realisation of the complete lack of actual relationship betweeen my younger sister (Miss Thing) and I. Her wedding is about eleven weeks off and she'll be living right next door and is already but I know I don't make the ffort, neither of course does she but that's not the point. I'm setting myself the challenge to build-up that relationship for God. She is far away from all of us and whilst the geographical distance might not be much the emotional one is great and I'll like to bridge that gap, with that I would also like to work to get her back into the fold. She has been far from God these many years and I know He misses her, how sad that I've only just realised I do too. Please say a prayer for the building of all our relationships with Miss Thing.

I've talked already on Wednesday Walk about learning to hold your tongue, I'd prepared this post for last week:

I love the illustration in the rather sappy Ella Enchanted when Ella in full obedience physically holds her tongue. Oh that I were so obedient to my calling and could “howl m’ whisht” (a colloquial saying meaning to hold back before speaking).

Thrice this week had my DH been physically near me I would have been a nagging old crone complaining about his dirty boots on my floor (it took me a few hours to realise it had actually been my student who had tracked the dirt in), and his scraping the bottom of our beautiful (wedding gift) stockpot (I gave in a little to disappointment on this one but only a very little). I managed to keep my counsel over the cold dinner awaiting me when I arrived home from work, just! Yes I am the wife who instead of being thankful for a husband who bothers to cook for her, feels hard done by because he had already eaten and my plate was sitting there rather unappetisingly cold.

How glad I am I held my tongue, that cold dinner reheated beautifully and whilst it lacked much nutrition (no vegetables to speak of), it had been made for me and I was certainly in no mood to cook (the day had been long and tiring).

The point of course was not however that the meal reheated well and turned out to be very tasty – the point was my ingratitude and the automatic scold that popped into my mind upon seeing it.

This week I shall definitely be looking to cultivate an attitude of gratitude and I’ll be continuing with my quest to leave the nagging behind me. Obedience is hard – but it builds us up into better women for God and better wives for God and our husbands.

Of course this week came and went with barely one moment of gratitude so here goes on this challenge for another week.

Today I am thankful for:

A very well-behaved babe (little Cayden) who is fast asleep as I type.

Free and easy access to the Bible

The internet and its online therapy of typing it all out for the world to read, albeit anonymously.

A wonderful husband who makes me dinner, eats my oftentimes rubbish dinners, puts up with the crazy and still wants me and loves me.

Freedom of speech and thought.

This is the day which the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

*No decluttering post to link to yet so I'll post it up tomorrow probably*